How a Restorative Circle Shifted a Toxic Staff Culture

Restoring Staff Culture from a Feud 20 Years in the Making (with Help from a 1970s Criminologist)

I’ll never forget the day I felt completely stumped.

I had been asked to facilitate a restorative circle with the entire staff of an elementary school that had been in conflict for—get this—nearly 20 years. Yep, two decades of tension. It all started when someone began dating someone else’s ex-husband (you can’t make this stuff up), and it spiraled into a full-blown Hatfield and McCoy-style feud.

Over time, lines were drawn. Staff chose sides. New teachers got swept into the drama without even knowing the backstory. People stopped eating together in the lounge. Staff meetings regularly ended in tears with people stomping out and slamming the door.

This wasn’t just a disagreement between a few people—it had shaped the entire school culture.

When I was asked to come in to help, I had five or six years of experience with restorative practices, and while I believed in the process, I was intimidated. This circle was going to take place during a full staff meeting, with everyone present. And I found myself thinking:

 “How are they going to sit in a circle when they can’t even sit through a meeting?”

So, I did the smartest thing I could—I called a friend. We should all have someone a few steps ahead in this work to call when it feels heavy and for me it was Jonathan Bradley (Who’s your person?)

Jonathan listened quietly as I explained the situation, and then—super calm—he said something that changed everything:

 “It’s not your problem. It’s theirs.”

He reminded me that my job wasn’t to fix the conflict. My role was to create a safe container for dialogue. What the staff did with that opportunity was entirely up to them.

That mindset shift was huge. 

When I stopped trying to control the outcome, I showed up differently—more grounded, more confident, and more trusting of the process.

The Roots of This Wisdom

Jonathan’s insight reflects the thinking of Norwegian criminologist Nils Christie, who wrote the landmark 1977 article, “Conflicts as Property.” Christie argued that conflicts are a kind of “property” that belong to the people directly involved. But in modern systems—especially legal ones—those conflicts are often taken over by professionals: judges, lawyers, and yes, even school administrators.

When we “steal” a conflict by taking over, people lose their voice and their opportunity to ask questions, speak their truth, and work toward repair.

Christie believed we need to give conflict back to its rightful owners—through informal, community-based processes rooted in dialogue, healing, and accountability, not punishment or control.

Why This Matters in Schools

This couldn’t be more relevant in education.

When students misbehave, our systems often respond by doing things to them, not with them. We hand out detentions, suspensions, write-ups. We lecture.

When conflict happens—between students, between a student and a teacher, or even between two staff members—our first instinct is often:

“What can I do to make this stop?”

That’s when we start taking over. 

But if Christie is right, the conflict doesn’t belong to us—it belongs to the people involved. 

Real accountability and healing happen when they stay in the center of the process.

For example: if a student is disrespectful to a teacher, instead of sending them straight to the office for consequences, what if we brought them back to speak directly with the teacher—with support? That’s giving the conflict back. That’s where the real accountability and growth happens.

When we take that opportunity away, teachers often feel frustrated and unseen—because they had no voice in resolving a conflict that directly impacted them.

(This is why many teachers say they don’t support restorative practices. Not because it doesn’t work, but because we are doing it wrong).

So What Happened With the Staff Meeting?

If I told you, you might not believe me.

We started with a simple staff circle focused on Values & Norms—asking, How do we want to treat each other?

About halfway through, something shifted. 

Quiet teachers began speaking up. 

One new teacher, visibly emotional, shared that he had started his career full of excitement—but now, just one year in, he felt isolated. The tension in the staff lounge made him uncomfortable. He had hoped for mentorship, for connection with experienced colleagues—but instead, he felt alone, barely getting by in his classroom.

The room went silent. It was a powerful moment. 

Many of the teachers caught up in the long-standing conflict had never considered how their behavior was affecting new staff.

That was the turning point.

From there, the group began problem-solving together. 

They co-created shared norms:

•  to keep drama out of the lounge and staff meetings. 

• They developed a plan to support new teachers more intentionally. 

• They agreed to address issues face-to-face, rather than gossiping or building alliances. 

• And they made a collective decision: if someone broke a norm, anyone—including the principal—could speak up and name it.

Not everyone embraced the change. Some staff members felt uncomfortable with the shifting power dynamics. But the majority leaned in.

They revisited their norms regularly. They had the hard conversations. And slowly, steadily, the culture began to change.

In short? They were transformed.

In the end…The shift didn’t come from control—it came from letting go of control.

I didn’t need to fix their conflict. I just needed to offer a safe structure, stay grounded, and trust that the people in the room could do the work—if they were willing.

When we try to “fix it” for people, we rob them of voice and agency. 

That’s often why teachers get hurt and frustrated. That’s why students check out.

 Because they feel like decisions are being made about them instead of with them.

Restorative practices remind us that healing happens in connection, not isolation.

 When we give people the space to show up, be heard, take ownership, and make things right—we’re not just resolving conflict.

 We’re restoring relationships. We’re restoring community.

And that? That’s the kind of culture every school deserves.

REFERENCES

Christie, N. (1977). Conflicts as property, British Journal of Criminology, 17(1): 1- 15.